Life can be unpredictable, messy, and occasionally downright crappy—literally. From seventh-grade mishaps to high-profile celebrity accidents, we’ve all faced moments that make us wish the ground would swallow us whole. But instead of hiding in shame, what if we embraced humor, humanity, and the shared experience of being gloriously imperfect?
This guide isn’t just about surviving those mortifying moments—it’s about reclaiming them. Whether it’s learning from NFL star Jason Kelce’s ill-fated white pants or diving into the realities of fecal incontinence with insights from a Washington Post article, we’re here to laugh, learn, and let go (pun absolutely intended).
Let’s face it: poop happens. So, grab a seat (preferably on something wipeable), and let’s dive into a story-filled survival manual that reminds us we’re all in this messy, human experience together.
Help! What to Do If You Crap Your Pants
Let’s start with a universal truth: most adults have pooped their pants. If they claim they haven’t, they’re either lying, extremely lucky, or blessed with superhuman sphincters. And yes, this applies even to the rich and famous.
Take Jason Kelce, for example, who had the audacity to warm up for an NFL game in white pants (rookie mistake). Disaster struck, and he had to rope in a teammate for an on-the-spot stain check. Joe Jonas? He turned a harmless toot into “something extra” mid-concert and later reflected, “Bad day for white pants”—seeing a pattern here of major betrayal when it comes to this particular fashion choice. Ed Sheeran? Let’s just say he sharted mid-performance, froze like a very embarrassed statue, and stiffly shuffled off stage. Phoebe Bridgers took on food poisoning three songs into a set, thanking her lucky stars for choosing a dress that day (more airflow, fewer seams). And who could forget Al Roker, who bravely soldiered through a White House mishap, relying on his trademark humor, a dash of dignity, and a quick commando-style wardrobe adjustment?
These stories aren’t just deeply personal and funny—they’re liberating. If celebrities with entire teams dedicated to their image can crap their pants and laugh about it, so can you. Sharing these moments reminds us that accidents can be human, not shameful.
The Scene of the Crime: Seventh Grade Edition
My seventh-grade catastrophe is the stuff of new-kid junior high nightmares. A chill Saturday morning at a soccer field with mixed company became gastrointestinal mutiny—first, the unmistakable stomach gurgles. Then bubbling and a bead of sweat rolled down my temple as I realized the nearest bathroom was at a church, up a hill, and approximately three continents away. My mouth suddenly felt dry as I speed-walked, cheeks clenched, sending desperate prayers to the sky.
I almost made it, panting and red-faced as I opened the church doors.
Once inside the bathroom stall, I took off my shoes, socks, and pants to check my underwear crime scene: soft serve, horrifying smells, presenting a desperate lack of options. I couldn’t use the sink—what if someone walked in? And The Underwear Dilemma loomed: carry the evidence home like some sort of twisted souvenir, or ditch them? Without a plastic bag or backpack to hide the carnage, the choice was obvious. I wrapped those chonies in what felt like an entire paper towel roll and tossed them in the trash, praying the layers would muffle the stench. I wanted to leave an “I’m sorry!” note for the church staff but bolted before anyone could link me as the perp.
Walking home in chafing jeans, butt-stained, sweater tied around my waist, I felt like the loneliest person on Earth. Now? I know better. We’ve all been there—literally or figuratively—and I’m proud I survived without publicly crying. (Okay, maybe a little crying.)
I’ve never told anyone this story. Ever. Typing the story details out and saying it out loud removes a chunk of shame from my body. I like that and hope you can get some of your shame out, too.
Fecal Incontinence: The “Oops” Factor
Fecal incontinence—what some might call “crapping yourself,” “shitting yourself,” or “an unwelcome surprise”—is the accidental passing of stool, whether it’s solid, liquid, or somewhere in between (surprise!). It happens when you get the sudden, uncontrollable urge to go and don’t quite make it, or when things slip out without so much as a cramp, rumbling, or toot. Some people even report sneezing and oopsie, crapping all of a sudden. Double “excuse me”!
A 2023 Washington Post article by Dr. Trisha Pasricha dives into accidental bowel leakage (a.k.a. fecal incontinence), a condition more common than many acknowledge, affecting about 8% of U.S. adults. Despite its prevalence, most people are too embarrassed to seek help.
Common causes include diarrhea, constipation, IBS, diabetes, and neurological issues, along with age-related pelvic floor changes. Dr. Pasricha highlights the importance of increasing dietary fiber, which bulks up stool and improves bowel control. On the flip side, pro-inflammatory foods like processed meats and sugary drinks can worsen symptoms by wreaking havoc on gut health and pelvic floor function.
Diagnosis often involves identifying patterns of incontinence, checking for pelvic floor muscle issues, and evaluating stool quality. That means you get to poop in a bag, yay! Treatment can include dietary adjustments, medication, pelvic floor physical therapy, or even surgery for conditions like prolapse. Early intervention is crucial to improving quality of life. We will cover more about the nitty-gritty of these issues and symptoms in the future.
For now, whether you call it bowel incontinence, accidental bowel leakage, or just “oops,” remember: millions of others have had the same kind of blowout.
So, What Do You Do If You Crap Your Pants?
First, take a deep breath—metaphorically. Stay calm and channel your inner Mary Poopins. You’ve got this.
Step 1: Accept Reality
It happened. You can’t uncrap your pants. What you can do is let go of the shame. It’s not a reflection of your worth, hygiene, or character. Poop happens. Literally.
Step 2: Assess the Situation
Is it a code brown emergency, or can you make a graceful exit? If you’re in public, locate the nearest bathroom. If you’re home, congrats—you’re already on home turf. Wherever you are, try to keep your head high (but maybe keep your backside low-key).
Step 3: Damage Control
Dispose of the evidence as discreetly as possible. If you’re at work or in a public place, toss your undies in toilet paper or a bag (some bathrooms still have them). Maybe in the outdoor garbage can, as a bonus gift for the clean-up crew. If you’re home, well, it’s your laundry pile. Good luck.
Step 4: Freshen Up
A quick rinse with soap and water can do wonders for your mood—and the smell. Wet wipes are your best friend here. Keep a travel pack handy for emergencies (trust me, they’ll come in clutch).
Step 5: Laugh About It Later
Once you’re clean, composed, and back in fresh clothes, take a moment to find the humor. This will be a story someday—a reminder that you’re gloriously, hilariously human.
Preventative Measures
For those who regularly survive this experience, preparing is caring (because, yes, there might be a next time).
Pack a “Poop Kit”: A small bag with spare undies, wet wipes, and a plastic bag can save the day. Keep one in your car, desk, or bag.
Dress Strategically: Learn from our brave and famous folks! Avoid white pants if you’re feeling queasy or adventurous with your meals. Dark colors and looser fits are more forgiving.
Be Kind to Your Gut: Know your triggers. Spicy tacos, questionable sushi, or gas station burritos may be tempting, but they also up the risk factor
Embrace Humor: The best way to deal with life’s messy moments is with laughter. The coverage of celebrities shows that pooping your pants isn’t the end of the world.
My seventh-grade horror story felt so mortifying, but now I see it for something more: a badge of honor, a tale of survival, and a reminder that messy moments don’t define us. So, the next time disaster strikes, just remember: even the most glamorous lives are occasionally punctuated by poop. And hey, at least we’re in good company.
Fuel my potty-powered creativity with a coffee! ☕💩 buymeacoffee.com/marypoopins
Resources
Mayo Clinic fecal incontinence definition
Pooped your pants? It’s more common than you think: Washington Post
Jason Kelce’s pants mishap during Eagles warm-ups:
Joe Jonas’s on-stage poop confession: People
Ed Sheeran’s “sharting” moment: Bustle
Phoebe Bridgers Pooped Pants On Stage: Uproxx
Al Roker’s White House mishap: Decider
Disclaimer to Make the Legal Team Happy:
This isn’t the place for medical miracles or life-saving advice. If you’re backed up (literally or figuratively), please see a real doctor. We’re just here for laughs, not prescriptions. 🌟
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